Lawrence Doochin is available for spiritual counseling.
Please email him at lawrence@lawrencedoochin.com.

Lawrence Doochin

Who is Lawrence Doochin?

I am no different than you. Sure, I look different and I have a different history, different experiences, but at the level that really exists, we are the same. We have come together in this dream to help each other remember that we are the same, that we are not just bodies, but that we are all part of something much larger. As we interact in our relationships and even in the most minor or fleeting encounters, we spur remembrance for each other. It is as if you say, “I remember you. I have known you for eternity”. This opens us to the recognition that we are not just an isolated tree, but that we are part of a much larger forest, an ecosystem that works together as One. When you come to know the Oneness of All, and that All is Love, this brings you great joy, for you remember that you were created out of Love, and God waits for you to return His Love.

But I didn’t know any of this for a long time. I grew up Jewish in the South, and although I had a Bar Mitzvah, I never felt a relationship or any connection with God. My parents divorced when I was twelve, and around that time I was sexually abused by my mother. Coming during puberty, this had a tremendous impact on how I saw myself, and that experience gave me a very distorted and confused view of Love. In addition, I came out of that experience with a huge reservoir of anger, fear, shame, and guilt, and I carried these hidden emotions into my relationships, first with my wife and then with my kids. The rage that filled me over what had happened to me would spill out at those I loved the most, and I would feel guilty every time for this. Since I never got to the true source of the anger, this pattern continued to repeat itself. When I was in my early thirties, I was blessed, through circumstances I would have never chosen, with the knowing that I had these patterns operating within me and that I needed to enter therapy. Although I could never have imagined that it would take so long and be so hard, and I may have not chosen to proceed if I had known that, I was driven at that time to clear out all of the negative emotions and false beliefs. I knew there had to be something better than living life the way I was, and I also wanted desperately to be a much better husband and father.

My thirties could be considered a living hell for me and those around me. I went through several periods of depression and rounds of antidepressants, and I was in experiential therapy deeply during those years, working through layer after layer of anger, guilt, and shame around the abuse and other childhood issues. I was also in a great deal of fear during those years. But I was very blessed as I had a wife who loved me deeply and stuck by me, as well as four beautiful children who loved me. I look back to the time I began my deep emotional work, and I realize that this was also the start of my relationship with God. At that time I saw myself on an emotional and a spiritual path, but several years hence, I came to realize that these were the same path, because God is Love, and we come to know him through our ability to Love. I had been frozen emotionally at 12 years old when the abuse began, and as I worked in therapy through those emotions around the abuse, I began to learn how to be an adult emotionally.

As it is with most people, my spiritual search was one where I looked outside myself for answers, and I looked outside to find God. I was on an intensive search to find and know Him. I read numerous books, joined groups, went on retreats, and even did a few vision quests. The search was both necessary and was a diversion or excuse for me. It was a diversion, because as long as I was looking outside myself, I didn’t have to come home to the answers, be still, and do the remaining part of emotional and spiritual healing that I needed. It was necessary, because after numerous dead ends and after banging my head against the brick wall enough times, I eliminated the possibility that what I was searching for was outside me. This left the only place --- it had to be within me.

If I had not frequently felt God’s Presence and I had not believed that He had to have a purpose for all this suffering I was experiencing, I would not have made it through those years, even though there were periods I was very angry at Him, as I blamed Him for what happened to me. As I worked in therapy with the emotional thread, releasing false beliefs about the abuse and other issues, an interesting thing happened. I was also working through my false belief system around God. For instance, the guilt that I felt from the abuse was the vehicle for me to work on my guilt that I had around my relationship with God. The central false belief that each of us holds is that we are guilty because we have sinned against God, and for that we should and will be punished. If I felt guilty over yelling at my children, this central belief was the source. It took me many years to work through this belief and all corollary beliefs such as I am not worthy, but with God’s Grace, and with Him supporting me innumerable times in His Heart, I was finally able to release them. All this left was God and His Love, which I came to know as a part of me, and which gives me a joy and peace that is not of this world. Finally, I came to the realization that I had chosen in this dream to have the experience of abuse, knowing it would be the gift and the vehicle which would bring me back to full remembrance and full recognition of my Oneness with Him, and with you, for we are One.

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ISBN: 978-0981699059


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